Yesterday was a travel poster day in Austin - bright blue skies and warm air. Yet I spent the entire day on the sofa under a blanket, self-medicating with cheese grits straight out of the pan while watching "Eat, Pray Love" on mute.
Of course I tried to analyze my condition. This is what I do - I observe, I label, I categorize. Making lists has always created the illusion of security in my life. Even as a small child, my lists were my lifeline - nothing could be forgotten or lost. When I don't know what to do, I make a list. And the another, just in case!
But as I began slowing returning from my attack of extreme inertia, I saw that this "anxiety attack" is all about "the list". You know, the list that is on every magazine cover, the topic of all talk shows, that crown of all lists - Resolutions.
As a dedicated list maker, it isn't surprising that a list of New Year's Resolutions would be the cherry on my holiday dessert. Every year, that list has felt honorable, noble, responsible. The individual entries have been refined as I have changed, but the overall tone has remained the same. And now, I am seeing its truth for the first time.
Lists are my tangible evidence of feeling in control and the Resolution List is the way I have felt in charge. I could decide what I wanted to change, to amplify, where I would place my focus. This list of changes has become my personal manifesto, my own declaration of what is important to me. The list was my proof - I was IN CONTROL.
But I have changed. I see that the time on my sofa, semi-comatose, has not been a time of retreat, but actually, the hours of a full out war being waged. A battle plan that has been refined endless times during the past six decades is in the process of being dismantled. The new plan being suggested is untried - there is no body of evidence that it will work. Everything in me has been screaming, "Don't go there... It's not safe!"
This began a few days ago, as I listened to Vanessa Stone talk about entering this year empty - no agenda, no calendared plan. An empty cup waiting to be filled. As I felt these words go straight into my heart, I knew this is what I want for this moment. I want to be open to something I have not yet seen. I want to enter this year without my list, my agenda, my grand illusion of control. I want to step into each new day with wonder.
I am terrified.
I know I have written all year about facing fears, about change, about seeing new directions. But nothing has prepared me for this griping fear. I realize that exploring this with words has been an entry point. As I typed out each new awareness about this journey, I was beginning to open to the courage of investigating further. Words on a computer screen let me glimpse through the cracks, checking out a new land. There is a sense of safety in writing - I can observe from a safe distance.
But now there are no words, no plan, no preview of coming attractions. If this is my choice - to enter with a blank screen, an empty cup, with utter trust - I must learn to take a breath and Be.
I have no idea how this works - those of you who are already on this path are so invited to send back a report.
I only know that as I write this, I am less frightened. More curious. More Open.
This is so beautiful Karen!
Posted by: andrea | 12/30/2011 at 10:13 AM
thanks Andrea - love to you in Winnipeg! Happy New Year - however it comes :)
Posted by: The Peaceful Journey | 12/30/2011 at 10:21 AM
YES.
Posted by: Alannah | 12/30/2011 at 05:36 PM
Hi Karen, Once again we are putting our toes on the same path. I too am a list keeper, and as I was looking at your blog post I was making my list for the new year when you reminded me of what I was thinking as I lay in my hypnogogic state this a.m.thinking I don't want to have a plan today. What would it be to wake up every day without a plan? What I want is to be, just be. To live more fully the boredom or excitement of every moment, but without judgement of whether it is boring or exciting. I want to live a life filled with love and compassion, and realizing how I define that in every moment of every day. I am with you on this. I am truly looking forward to 2012! Thanks again for the "Comfort" oil. It works amazingly. It sits on my computer desk and I put it on my hands several times and day and breath in comfort, love and compassion. Blessings for you! Helen
Posted by: helen Lowery | 12/31/2011 at 11:52 AM
Oh Helen, I couldn't ask for a better traveling companion for this journey! Maybe we should start a 12 step for recovering list makers? Sending you tons of love, Karen
Posted by: The Peaceful Journey | 01/01/2012 at 10:15 AM