"Tell me a story......."

What parent hasn't heard these words hundreds of times?  And then comes "tell it again,.....please...."  

And the story gets retold over and over. 

Even now, I can quote whole sections from books our daughter plead to hear endlessly.  Imprinted in my brain is the complete text from "Five Minutes Peace" and "Blueberries for Sal".  (Amazing recall, in light of the fact that I can't ever find the car keys!)

We all have our stories - sometimes the very long version (usually assisted by wine and good friends) and sometimes the "elevator speech" (that quick assessment that happens during the space of an elevator ride).

The long stories are encouraged by therapists and memoir writers, by budding relationships and by explanations to children for how we behave.  The elevator speech is a favorite of business coaches - a succinct nugget that defines us immediately to a stranger. Our "go-to" definition of who we are.

We spend our lives honing our stories.  Each moment of insight demands a slight revision, each memory holds the possibility of distortion. We become so attached to our story that we believe it - even when we become aware of the many subplots we have created. These show up all the time, unnoticed as we live our life, in the form of "always" and "never". 

In my quest to "Call off the Search", I was surprised to bump into my story.  I began to see that my story had led to much of my searching.  And I was even more surprised to feel how deeply attached I am to this story - after all, it seems to be my masterpiece.  I have written every word, polished all the phrases, memorized key lines. It defined me perfectly, I thought.

My subplots are many and varied.  My right shoulder "always" hurts, my mother can "always" push my buttons, we are "always" lost in our new city.  The story starts to take over, pushing aside the truth in the facts - my shoulder is not hurting right now, my mother and I just had a pleasant conversation, I got to the bank and back just fine with nary a U-turn.

But who would I be if I came to the table alone - without the story of a small town that I labeled as claustrophobic, the story of a a deeply religious upbringing that I painted in so many words as fanatical, the story of a family that was framed with the labels of passive-aggressive and just plain nuts?  What if I lost my story of mistakes and hurts and wrong turns on the path?

How would it feel to just show up as myself, in this very moment - without the baggage? What if calling off the search included calling off the back-story?  Who will I be without the shadows?  And more importantly, where will the blame fall for all those faults I tend to focus on?

So I am having a grand experiment.  I am consciously removing the adjectives that have defined my story.  I am exploring how it feels to be alive in this moment, just as myself.  The self that has been hidden under all the chapters in the story. The self that doesn't need to discuss old body aches, painful religion, dysfunctional families, and decisions made decades ago. 

I've lived with the old story for six decades and tried endlessly to restructure it into a format I felt would be acceptable.  (Deep sigh) - ENOUGH.  This is the moment for a new story. 

This story will be fresh, newly minted every day.  This story is not in history books - it's the latest breaking news that scrolls across the bottom of the television.  This story is authentic, not tinged with rewrite after rewrite of scenes needing to be long forgotten.  It is so much easier.  It's a quick read, so simple to tell. 

No more carrying around the heavy tome of Karen's life.  Today, it is more like a menu - what will I have today?  And the best part is that it's my decision.  I can write this story however I please and then enjoy it.

I realize this sounds rather naive, after all, what about REALITY?  My personal belief is that my thoughts become things, and I create my own reality. So, I am ready to create a new reality.  A new story could be the first step.

So here comes the HUGE footnote: 

A glimpse behind the words -

Without the story (we could never....), without the search (what does _______say about this?) and in a new city in a new state without the physical presence of friends, I have been feeling stripped down, exposed, vulnerable and yes, scared.  What have I gotten myself into? 

This road is so new to me and yes, just like driving the freeways of Austin, I feel frequently lost.  And sometimes a bit sad.  Losing that old story is like having something physically torn away from my body.  But the tear is healing. Underneath the fear I know there is such bravery; and even though I am not enjoying this little section of the journey - I truly believe there is a gorgeous view just over the hill.  I would be so sorry to miss it.  So I travel on, some days easier than others, but still sure this is a path I want to explore.

Maybe soon I will have some great photos to share :))

 

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Karen---this is absolutely brilliant. Thank YOU so much!!!! Beautiful........blessings to you!!

love you, E

[Eric Jon Duran]

Wow. For whatever reason you just affected me in a very profound way. I am closing the story that was my life and starting a new story this very minute! ( I hope that doesn't sound too corny)

[The Peaceful Journey]

You know, the best thing is we can start a new story any time we choose :) Thank you so much for sharing your moment.