Today is my birthday. I woke up thinking about another birthday, 8 years ago, my 55 birthday. On that day, I did not have a clue my life was about to change completely. I ate cake and opened presents and did not even imagine that in a very few weeks, I would change the entire path of my life.
What happened is that in December of that year, I left the job that had defined my life for so many years. I had no idea of what would happen, I had no plan - I only knew what no longer fit my spirit, what was not working. Yet, as I have said before, I was deeply afraid that without this job, without this definition of who I was, I would just disappear.
Well, we know the rest of that story - my life has morphed into something I never imagined. And while often terrifying, it has also been exhilarating and magical.
So this morning, as I lay in bed slowly waking up and remembering that today is my 63rd birthday, I felt such a yearning to leave something again. This time, it is not as tangible as a job. I won't need to pack up photos and send out emails. What fills my heart is the need to leave fear. Yes, that 4-letter word is still holding a firm place in my life.
As I think about leaving my fear and moving on, I am surprised that this thought holds many of the same emotions as I felt when I decided to leave my corporate job. While I would not say that fear has defined me, it has certainly had a consistent place in my life. It's a big space and very familiar. I don't think of fear as the enemy - it is just something that I have outgrown, something that no longer fits as easily as before. I recognize fear's purpose, trying to keep me safe, all that primal DNA stuff working full time. But I have changed. I now know that I am safe. That this is a fact, irrefutable, and this fact completely changes the game.
However, when I think of letting go of fear, of allowing it to pack up and leave me, I have to admit I feel the sense of a huge vacancy. As I explore this reaction, I am surprised at the amount of "office space" I have allocated for my old friend fear. And when fear moves out, what will fill the space? Right now, it feels like it is too big, too empty.
As I write this, I am aware of how fear has trickled down into so many areas deep inside of me. It has happened slowly, I never would have noticed it except for the times I would bump into it upon entering an area of my life where it blocked the path.
But now I see that fear is like the ivy that slowly overtook everything in our yard in Los Angeles. Left alone, it made its way up trees, over fences, between bricks. It took persistence to keep it contained. I have not kept my fear contained - I have allowed it to ramble throughout the spaces of my life. And now, when I am contemplating pulling it up by the roots and removing it, I wonder what lies beneath.
I'm not for sure how this works - maybe it really is more like leaving a job than gardening. (I seem to be struggling with keeping my metaphors in line.) Eight years ago, I gave my employers a month's notice, staggered my work schedule and took some extra time off. Perhaps that is how to leave fear - I'll be giving some notice, I'll be around less and then, I'll be gone. Somehow that feels less intimidating than a "cold turkey" approach. One thing I have learned along this path - change doesn't have to be chaotic, it can be gentle and quiet.
However, this time I have more confidence as I decide to make the change. I have experience with this now - I not only survived saying goodbye to something that felt so huge, I have thrived. I know there is fresh air waiting to pour into the areas that are opening up. This time, I have more of a sense of adventure, of wonder, of excitement.
This time I can thoroughly enjoy the farewell party.
Wow, first of all I cannot believe this is your 63rd birthday. I was definitely shocked to read that! You look eons younger, to say the least (and you certainly have the spirit of someone a good 20 years younger). I can only aspire to be as young as you are when I reach my 60s!
This post really touched something in me. I am dealing with some extremely hardcore fear at the moment because I'm about to take on the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I even started reading a book called Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway last week. It was really good to read your perspective and know that I can choose not to keep "office space" for the fear in my life. I need to find some way to understand that I am safe, as you have, so that I won't need the fear for that any longer. It's going to be a process and I am just taking my first step on the path to where you are but it's so good to know it can be done. Thanks as always for the inspiration.
Posted by: Alannahrose | 10/10/2011 at 05:14 PM
Thank you for the lovely birthday compliments :)) I'm not for sure how this process will play out, but I do know that it begins with the surety that we are so safe. No one ever tells us this - in fact, we hear the opposite all the time. I have just recently begun to have confidence in this safety and I know that it is available for us all. It's just a matter of turning down the sound of the fear. So nice to know I am not on this path alone. Lots of love.
Posted by: The Peaceful Journey | 10/10/2011 at 07:06 PM
I have to say I'm really happy to have connected with you online this year. It's been wonderful for me to see all that you've been through, and that you not only just survived, but are thriving and living such a full life. I am really grateful for the wisdom you've shared here and the kindness and support you offer. It honestly means a lot to me. You've written about so many things that I can relate to and as you said, it's very nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing your journey here!
Posted by: Alannahrose | 10/10/2011 at 09:07 PM
Hello, Karen...thx for sharing this ( and yes, you are looking great !, it reminded me of my struggle to quit my job and the fear to loose in a way my identity by doing it.
well, I havent regret that I had the courage to go, but I am grateful every day, although I still havent started something new yet. I also decided some time ago to let my fear move out...in my mind I let her pack her suitcase and gave her a farewell, but sometimes she lurks around a corner, waving...and at first I tried to ignore her or push her away, but for me it works much better, when I welcome her back, embrace her and acknowledge that I can transform the situation, when i go through it hand in hand with her ( well, my fear looks like a she ).
Fear belongs to my life, but its not ruling it anymore!
I liked the comparison with the gardening a lot...I had to remove old rosebushes lately and had the same idea...there were some very long and deep going roots...and I couldnt dig them out, but had to cut them...they are still there, but I can live with them and plant something new.
Always love your posts, big hug from here
Petra
Posted by: Petra Lange | 10/10/2011 at 11:19 PM
Oh Petra, thank you for taking my words and adding so much more. After I wrote this, I was so aware of the need to stop the struggle with fear - that I was just making it bigger. I love your images of being hand in hand. So much more gentle and kind. I am so grateful for what you have added to this awareness. big hugs back :))
Posted by: The Peaceful Journey | 10/11/2011 at 05:51 AM
Oh, Alannah, thank you. When I post this stuff I am just terrified that I am alone, that I am only imagining others are beside me on this journey. It means so much to me to know that I'm not alone as well. So much more fun to travel with those I love :))
Posted by: The Peaceful Journey | 10/11/2011 at 05:55 AM