I know I just posted two days ago, but I have realized that post needed to come with a disclaimer. As I wrote My Birthday Farewell, I was so relieved - having just "given notice" to fear (to continue the work metaphor).
Well....... Fear decided to file a wrongful termination claim and is asking for a huge settlement!
Maybe it was so publicly acknowledging this decision; maybe I would have had the same experience if I had held it closely to my heart. But fear rushed at me like a tsunami, overwhelming me unexpectedly. I was blindsided by the intensity of the fear that I experienced. It came first in my dreams and then stayed with me throughout the day, touching everything around me.
I felt I didn't deserve this - then I remembered I create my experiences. Ughhhh- I hate taking responsibility for this one. Why would I ever choose this pain?
Thank God for dear friends. When I told my friend about this rush of panic, she had a brilliant suggestion. She asked me to write down everything I was afraid of - to give it a shape, a size, a color, lots of details.
And as so often happens when we turn the light on, the scary shadows began to disappear. As I wrote out these terrors and described them, I began to see how they are just that - scary shadows. Yes, some of these fears could come true, but it is much more likely they will not. I could recognize the thoughts that had so overwhelmed me as just what they were - thoughts. Thoughts from my fear. Not facts, not even probabilities. Thoughts.
So the reason for this post is to encourage you - perhaps you too have given fear "notice", and it has so angrily replied. Maybe what worked for me will help you -
Just give fear its voice, let it tell you all its concerns. Listen patiently. And then, look at the words. It's possible that you might have a similar experience and those very words will help to reduce this tidal wave of unwanted emotion.
I don't have this licked - last night my dreams were filled with struggles. But I am certain that I am on the right path and willing to stick it out for a while; to see where I will go.
Maybe we will travel together. It's so much easier with a friend.
My experience of declaring something complete, is that often all of the parts that were not quite in resonance with my proclamation, rise up to be none...as if they are showing themselves in service to getting on board with the new plan.
Light ahead to your most sacred and beautiful path!
Posted by: Jo Anna | 10/12/2011 at 07:31 PM
Jo Anna - thank you so much for this lovely perspective. I love getting on board with the new plan! Thank you :)
Posted by: The Peaceful Journey | 10/13/2011 at 06:59 AM
While I'm definitely not glad that your declaration didn't banish the fear, this post gives me a little relief. After reading your previous post, I was wondering why the path always seems so much harder for me than everyone else. Knowing that yours has had a couple of twists in it makes me feel a little more "normal" (as if there is such a thing ;)). Thanks for this post - it is definietly encouraging!
Posted by: Alannahrose | 10/13/2011 at 09:29 AM
Yes, that is why I felt I needed to post it - I just couldn't believe that I was the only person having a challenge (politically correct term for STRUGGLE) with this :))
Posted by: The Peaceful Journey | 10/13/2011 at 09:43 AM