A Field Report from Calling Off the Search

Three weeks into calling off the search.  Such a small span of time and yet such a huge shift in perspective. 

I have to admit the first week or so, I felt a little panicky at the disconnect. I felt a bit abandoned, forgetting that I was the one who had cut the ties.  I felt out of the "cyber loop" - who was I without the constant information stream?  The trail of link to link had been my habit. As I put books on the shelf, I was afraid that they contained that last bit of information that I so desired.  As I unsubscribed to newsletters and then no longer had much email, I felt unseen. I questioned the wisdom I had felt in making this decision.

At first I was at a loss as to how to spend this time.  I was not used to open stretches of unscheduled life.  I felt bored, scared that I was going to become unproductive.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I had no idea of the amount of time that would become available when I decided to sink into just being.

And then, much to my amazement, a whole other world opened before me.

My days found a different rhythm. The amount of time I usually sat in front of my computer catching up on "everything" morphed into time I could sit outdoors.  I no longer grabbed a cup of coffee and jumped in to check my email - I sat outside and watched the squirrel climb to the very top of the cedar tree for the sweetest berries.  I began to journal because I wanted to, not because it was the plan listed in the latest book I was reading.  I found myself pulled to the oils again; ready to create something that speaks to this change.  A blend to support stillness.

During this transition time, I've been thinking about the difference between a guide and a teacher.  For me, a teacher brings things for me to learn, things I don't know, things that have been labeled as, and perhaps are, important.  And I am not discounting teachers in any way, I am just exploring where I am today in relationship to teaching.  A guide, however, shows a path and I am left to explore it.  In my own way, with my own photos taken without assignment, absorbing what I am noticing at this moment.  A guide allows flexibility.  I can have a guide without the search.

So for this time, I am traveling with a guide who encourages lots of free thought, free time, freedom to examine and decide what my truth is.  A guide who is supporting deepening my life in my own way. In three short weeks, this adventure has advanced from terrifying to deeply nourishing.  Yes, maybe I go days without looking at Facebook, some days the computer never gets turned on, and yet, I am filled with a new energy.  It is softer, quieter, more authentic for me.  I have discovered a place within myself that is what I have sought outside myself for so long.

Isn't it interesting how calling off the search has led me to the very place I had so intensely sought?  I have no idea if this is a lull in the journey or a new path.  And that is what makes it so interesting.  Learning to live without an agenda, open to possibilities.

 

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Oh sweetie--this is so perfect!! I KNOW exactly how you feel. I love what is happening. much love to you, sweet sister!

[Alannah]

What a beautiful post. I'm so glad you've found the right balance between looking within and looking outside of yourself. I can relate to so much of what you're going through right now, except I've always had guides and never any teachers so I'm still looking for my teacher. You give me hope that I'll find my perfect place within all of this searching & learning too.

I've recently disconnected myself from a few online things and it does take getting used to, but it opens up many new possibilities so it's exciting! Your posts make me smile so much. It's so evident that you're in the exact place you're meant to be in right now. I so enjoy reading about your journey!

[The Peaceful Journey]

I really like your comment that you have always had guides and are still looking for your teacher. Isn't it interesting that all of our lives are so similar and yet each is its own path?
I love making you smile :)) That makes me smile!