Calling Off the Search

What if...I called off the search???

I have always been a seeker - of adventure, of safety, of love, of the unknown. For the past few years, what I have sought has been my own form of spiritual enlightenment - perhaps a nobler quest, perhaps just another path

It has been a part of my journey that has brought me great joy and a life I mostly love.  However, recently I have begun to notice that, for me, personally, seeking has become a habit. Privately, I have labeled it "seeking mindlessly".

I thought the inertia I have been experiencing was because of our move, the heat, all the newness now in our lives.  Some days I have given into the feeling and just drifted.  Some days I have fought through this haze valiantly and kept up the search.

Then my friend Erin reminded me that someone named Vanessa Stone was in Austin and I, the eternal seeker, downloaded an MP3 that completely shifted my perspective.

The title of this recording was - yes, you guessed it - "Call Off the Search." Everything in me resonates with this and is simultaneously terrified by the very idea.

Vanessa's talk is based on the concept of allowing ourselves to be.  To BE.  To be enough.  To rest in being enough.  To lay down the need for the eternal searching and allow ourselves to finally become our own knowing.

With this encouragement, I decide to just observe my life.  I look at the books I have recently bought - some read, others still unopened.  I am stunned to realize that I receive about 125 emails a day - 90% of these I have signed up for as I continued to seek more knowledge, more viewpoints, more enlightenment.  I see that in the midst of one of the biggest changes in my adult life, I have signed up for 6 different e-courses; so afraid that I would miss out on something.  I have more sound energy music in my iTunes than I could listen to in a month. My searching is beginning to feel relentless.

I mentioned in my last post that I have begun the practice of noticing what energizes me and what drains my energy throughout the day.  Without a doubt, 125 emails looking me in the face, eager to be read, regardless of their valuable content, have become a drain. 

Yet when I think about how I can "call off the search" in my own personal life, the idea of missing out on something brings such feelings of unease.  I love these blogs and newsletters and general musings - I love to read them, to share them, to contact those who have presented them. 

But I have been like someone at a buffet for the first time - I have loaded my plate with everything that looked good and then wondered why I felt a bit queasy.  I have been the person who picks every dessert and then cannot enjoy the specialness of any one.

The very act of calling off the search fills me with anxiety.  I have not taken time to know what is within myself in my rush to fill myself with everyone else's words.What if I have no words of my own?

Yesterday, I sat before my computer screen and slowly, email after email, I hit the "unsubscribe" link.  I do not know how to make exceptions, so I say a goodbye to all for a while.  Some I know will come back quickly, others that do not call to me now will be there if I need them in the future.  I rearrange my playlist on my iPod to what calls to me at this time.  I put books back on the shelf, maybe for another day.

It feels very Zen to make this space in my life - and still I am nervous and unsure as I take this step.  I have believed I needed all this input for a very long time.  A tiny voice questions if I can be enough alone, quietly listening to my own voice??

What will be there when the search has been called off?  I have no idea. 

However, taking this leap of faith feels refreshing.  Maybe this is another version of the 'less is more' philosophy I am adopting in my physical life.  I have seen how fewer clothes can be enough, how possessing less means more freedom. And perhaps even more freedom will emerge as I call off the search and see what is within.

PS - Confession:  this was scary to write, I kept thinking "what if everyone unsubcribes me!" - but  - I will truly understand - I've been there already :))

 

Comments

[Surfergrrl]

OH I'm right there with you! As they say, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." I have stacks of books, and way too many bookmarks of well intentioned ideas, but sometimes they just overwhelm me and even deleting those can be a good thing. It's like getting fresh air. If it was meant to be, you'll find your way back there again.

[The Peaceful Journey]

So true - fresh air is the perfect example. I am just amazing by the amount of energy this has freed up!