The Joy in Being "Just Okay"

 

 

Yesterday I was talking to my dear friend Erin about all the pressures to be perfect. Especially at his time of year.

To be more than just enough. To always be striving to be 100%.

I realized later that this has been going on all my life.

Haven't we all felt it? 

In grade school, the importance of getting those A's, being on the teacher's list, always getting the gold star.

In high school, being popular, being smart, being a jock - whichever lane we chose to fit into to - there was always the hierarchy of being the best.

Later came the career ladder - always needing to excel.  Not to even mention the pressures to be a perfect parent - and the ongoing need to be the perfect child.

Okay, my neck is stiff just writing this.

I am a child of the 50's.  I remember people having hobbies - just doing things they enjoyed with no value system attached.  Whether it was painting a picture, crocheting a potholder, or making furniture in the garage, the point was the joy. I don't remember a lot of apologies about how something wasn't up to some predefined set of standards.  The end product might wind up on a wall or in the entryway, but it might stay in the garage.  A lot of weird crafts on the wall were just accepted. The point was the experience, not the outcome. 

It would be so easy to blame Martha Stewart for this change in values, but I don't think she welds that much power.  Granted, for many things, the bar became set so high, it was impossible to have fun.  I remember looking at my dyed Easter eggs, a project I had once loved, and becoming the critic - they were a bit amateurish.  The colors were blurry and my little dots looked strangely like mold! Ah, I forgot the most important part of the story - I am an amateur!   These are just eggs to be hidden in tall grass and eventually broken up into egg salad. Only I am holding them as a standard of my current worth.

Here is my personal philosophy - I only know this is my truth, but maybe it will resound with you as well.  The less I feel good about me, the more I need to be perfect. My birthday cake with the sliding top layer becomes symbolic of my own inner imperfection, and so it is hard to accept.  My attempts at watercolor are not ready for MOCA, and so I lose the joy of just splashing some water and paint on paper and having fun.  I am not good enough.  The jewelry I love to make has a weird knot midway and instead of loving its imperfection, I toss it aside as not good enough and quit making jewelry. I am convinced.I am not enough. 

I think the reason I cannot just enjoy these simple activities is that in some recess of my mind, I have chosen to use each of these as a defining point of who I am.

Instead of finding the fun of pursuing something I like to do, I have used it as a scale of my own value. So each time one of these activities falls short of my personal benchmark, in my mind it is actually me falling short of being perfect - or at least pretty darn good!

I've kinda known this for a while, but as I now face it full on, words on a page, I see how I have shut myself off from such a wealth of joy, of fun, of pure pleasure.

If each pursuit is not a review of my personal worth, then my world opens. I can detach from the outcome - wow, I could even start something and not need to finish it. Now, that's a concept. Fun could just be fun - no 1st place ribbons attached.

It's almost a new year - a fresh slate; and I have a new manifesto. I am okay - perfect in my imperfection.  In my life, it is okay to be average, to be below average sometimes! To just be.  I am reveling in the sweet comfort of mediocrity.....I am going to look for the end result - the joy. The path that gets to me that place is irrelevant. 

No more apologies for a cake with slipping layers - I mean, Hello! - it's cake after all. 

Yummy in any form.

 

 

Comments

[Katrin]

I agree so much with you. I am becoming a graphic designer, so actually a quite creative job, but still I hold myself back and don't allow me to dive into this wave of creativity because I think there is always someone else who could do it better than me, or maybe faster.
I stop my ideas before they can grow and at the end of the day I feel like there aren't any idea coming out of me. Eventhough I know I like a lot of things like painting, taking pictures, sewing and designing I mostly just sit arround doing nothing, cause I know thats the thing I am really, really good at.

But you are right, we often know things like that but when we write them down or just talk about it to someone it's ike really understanding and getting what we are doing to ourselves.

Cheers for a new year full of creativity and FUN :D

[Karen Mead]

Isn't it going to be so fun to see what we create when we stop defining the outcome? When we just reach for the joy?
Thank you so much for sharing this lovely honest truth.

[mindfulsearcher]

Isn't the cake just as delicious even when the layers are not perfectly aligned?!

[Ali Manning]

Your post really hit home for me - thank you! Trying to be perfect at creative endeavors really sucks the joy out it for me, but I do it constantly. I love to make and send handmade cards. I'm totally mortified if one isn't perfect and often I won't mail it out. Do I really think the recipient will notice if something is slightly crooked or there's a tiny smudge? No, they'll just be happy to know that I took the time to make something for them and I'm thinking about them. But it feels like a total reflection of my worth - a defining point, like you said. Let's all aim for a little imperfection and mediocrity in 2011!

[Kristy Sweetland]

This post is SO therapeutic for me right now. In fact, I resonated so deeply with your words that I shared it on my Facebook page. I recently discovered your blog from TinyBuddha and love it. Thank you for sharing your beautiful, powerful, & graceful insights. Our journeys seem to be parallel. In July of 2009 I too woke up from a deep sleep in my bedroom in Minnesota and proclaimed that we'd be moving to New Mexico. October of 2009 we arrived to the mountains of Raton- my husband had never set foot in the state, but we knew we had to be here. It's been bliss. We love it. But when I'm done with my Master's program in Transpersonal Psychology we'll likely relocate down to the Santa Fe area. Anyways, I just wanted to pop in and tell you I love your writing and your energy and am grateful I found them here.

Your Neighbor to the Northeast,
Kristy

[Shiny Jill]

I struggle with this as well. As a matter of fact, last night I made sugar cut-out cookies for the first time and I hated the experience because the cookies didn't "look" good enough. I couldn't do anything right because I couldn't make cookies that resembled those on the pages of Home & Garden magazine.

So today I'll take perfectly imperfect and embrace it. Thank you for sharing this here.

[Karen Mead]

I'm right there with you!
In fact, I'm deciding to choose to love that "home-made" look :))

[Karen Mead]

Isn't it awesome when we realize the power we have in creating our lives?
Thank you so much for being here!

[Karen Mead]

Just reading your aim helped my shoulders to down a few notches! Yes, I am celebrating the amazing freedom in "just okay"! So glad you are joining me.

[Kristy]

Sorry Karen, I completely thought you lived in Santa Fe! Your universal connection must be strong! ;) So, I guess I'm your neighbor to the West, actually.

[Karen Mead]

Santa Fe continues to be such an interesting part of my personal journey - the connections keep coming even when I signed out! Guess I'll just watch what the Universe sends next :))

[Elizabeth Sadhu]

Karen---I love this so much!!!!! And the only thing I want to add is that we are all PERFECT exactly as we are in all our imperfections and mediocrity. Who is judging us? WE ARE!

Here's to radiant, absolute, unconditional, perfect, imperfect SELF LOVE for 2011!!

I adore you, Karen! You are such a blessing in my life and I think in some ways it is even more perfect that we have never met in person!

thanks for being there, dear sister goddess!!!

PS, I am going to also share on FB, like Kristy. This is such a powerful message and especially during holiday times.

love and light and love.......

Elizabeth in Oregon

[Karen Mead]

Oh Elizabeth - thank you so much for this
PERFECT addition - you are so right.
What we deem mediocrity is such
self judgement.
New mantra for 2011 -
I am perfect just as I am!
much love to you!

[wendy jackson]

Amen!

Have a wonderful holiday, Karen. And thanks for the relevant reminder!

Love,
Wendy

[maureen]

karen
Thank you for this, I question so much of what I do so often not recognizing my own self worth, always criticizing. Somehow I lost my trust in myself , my belief that everything would be okay. I just want to be okay and to let go of constantly striving to find myself when I am right here.

[The Peaceful Journey]

What I keep trying to remember Maureen is to treat myself as I would a good friend - I am never so critical of someone I love as I am of myself. When I remember to do this, life is so much easier. :)