These past weeks have been filled with re-addressing issues I had assumed were long resolved. I guess it would be highly evolved for me to express gratitude for the opportunity; but seriously...... who does that? Mostly I have just felt overwhelmed and confused.
About a year ago, I held a workshop focusing on Brene Brown's work with shame. And I thought I had really made a lot of progress with living an authentic life. But a recent bout of illness has brought up a huge load of baggage I was not even aware that I was still carrying around. So I guess this would be a great time to shine some light into this area that has been filled darkness.
About 15 years ago, I was introduced to the "Law of Attraction" through some cassettes (remember those?) from Abraham-Hicks. I loved this new viewpoint - in retrospect it was probably not only that it was sound info, it also appealed to the controller in me - yes!, I was in charge.
Well, while this teaching served me well in many ways, I was also able to morph it into something I could use to beat myself up about. I mean, if I was creating my own reality, then every misstep, every hardship, every non-positive moment was my own creation - right? I managed to turn victimhood into a new form of shame and then begin to hide that from even myself.
These past few weeks I have been ill. Not terminally, just miserably. And the cause of my dis-ease has been perplexing both me and to my doctors. I have mostly felt - ASHAMED. The waves of shame I have felt about this have kept me from asking most of my friends for help - I mean, come on - I'm just creating this misery - why open it up for all to see?
The part of me that is kinder to myself seems not to have extended itself into this area. The amount of judgment I have around this illness is huge. So I get to be sick and also angry at myself for not being, well - what......enlightened enough? aligned enough? maybe just plain enough? to just turn it around.
Perhaps the seed of this is the long held belief of not being enough. Somehow, I have grown to believe that if I were enough, I would never be ill, never be angry, never be disappointed. So these have become emblems of the lack of enoughness in me.
I don't have an answer - I think I just needed to look bravely at my reluctance to even admit that something in my physical body is not well and I don't want to be ashamed of that anymore. I don't know how to take a beloved belief that has served me so well for so long and open it up to this side of the discussion. Do you?
So this post is really a question. I want to know how this works for you. Do you struggle with balancing this amazing insight of the Law of Attraction and the everyday wear and tear of life? I am so ready for another point of view!